Friday, November 26, 2010

Broken Dreams

I often am told that I am a very happy person.
My smile is often complimented.
People who are first getting to know me often remark about how I laugh so often.
I am often told that I encouraging, positive, cheerful, and uplifting.

Oh friend if you only knew.
My life is a story, of broken dreams.

When I was a little girl, I loved life so very much. I ran around with a smile on my face, laughing and singing at almost every waking moment.  I breathed joy and loved to help people in every way that my little, childish mind could imagine.  I cannot explain the joy that my life contained as a young girl, it wasn't normal. I realize that now as I look back in time. I loved Jesus, even as a child. I would sing to Him and pray multiple times throughout the day, just because I wanted to talk to my Friend. I do not know how I understood this as a child as young as 5 or 6, but I did.

I danced.
Dancing was my passion. To this day, I am happiest dancing. It exudes something inside of me that is unexplainable. I lived and breathed dancing. For over 13 years, I studied ballet. Starting at the age of 11, ballet became more than a serious hobby to me. It became my life, I was going to become a prima ballerina. Every moment I spent dancing was for a reason, I wanted to dance professionally.  I breathed dance. Dance flowed through my blood. Never was it a chore, even in the blood, sweat and tears. The hours upon hours of study in the studio and at home were moments of joy. 

The moment came.
My opportunity to dance in companies in New York were at my footstep. All I needed to do was commit.

I prayed. I prayed that what I was doing with my life was what God wanted me to be doing. I wanted to do His will, and honor Him in everything that I did. Because I love Him. Everytime I prayed, He answered. Ballet had always been something I brought to Christ. I didn't want to have anything in my life be an idol.
Thoughout all those years, God had blessed me with "yes" in ballet.

Now these moments. To choose my ultimate path in life.
God answered no.
I had prayed. Please slam the door in my face if ballet is a no.
The door was slammed. Twice.

My passion. Was taken away.
To this day, I do not really know the full reason why.
I have grown so much as a person.
I feel God tugging me a certain way in life now, that would have never been possible if I was currently a ballerina in NY. 
To have a love, a passion, something that you breathed pulled out of your life.
It hurts.

When we are broken. We cling to the Healer.
When we fall, we look up.

I struggled, I will not lie. It hurt.  It brought me to a closer love with Christ.
These last few years have been a journey. My own journey on the path to complete contentment in Christ.
Contentment, peace, and love.

So yes, the joy you see in me today is real.
It hasn't always been there. It is not  my joy and happiness.
It is completely Christ in me.

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